SIMPLE METHODS FOR AVOIDING UNNECESSARY PAIN IN RELATIONSHIPS
Happy Thursday To You!
I have a very busy day today. Michol Dalcourt will come visit me to give me a demonstration on his “Vipor”, a piece of functional exercise equipment.
Then, I’ll be evaluating a famous pro motto-cross racer who injured his spinal cord at C6, leaving him with little upper extremity function and no lower extremity function, and stuck in a wheel chair.
Normally, I need a few days to perform a very complex series of assessments, design a program, test it on the patient, and develop the necessary teaching videos to ensure proper participation.
Due to schedule challenges with my client, I’ll be taxed to do that all in one day today! His CHEK Practitioner is Donald Vega, who will be with him.
This will make the process much faster because I don’t need to film it all since Donald will be there learning to implement the program with him.
I enjoy helping people with severe injuries, but I always let them know up front that there are no magic bullets in my process.
I’ve worked with a variety of spinal cord and brain injuries in my career and noticed a pattern!those that stay committed to their programs get progressive benefits, and those that don’t, DON’T!
I’m confident that my client will be on it! I’ve worked with many professional motto-cross racers in my career and they are usually highly motivated, so I’m confident he will get rapid results.
The real challenge with cases like this is consistency because scar tissue formation at the site of injury to the spinal cord or brain acts as an insulator, blocking electrical flow.
Scar tissues does not transform into any other tissue once formed. It can be softened, but not converted in all but very rare instances; multiple treatments over extended periods of time with a skilled energy healer can potentially make such transformations, but this is extremely rare.
The only option in such cases is to encourage the nervous system to sprout new neural buds and through repetition of the right movement patterns, the buds can grow around the scar tissue, creating reconnections and new connections.
This is a slow process because nerve tissue generally only regenerates at a rate of about 1 millimeter (1/1000th of an inch) a day under ideal conditions.
There are many tricks and methods for speeding the process, yet they are quite complex to teach students without extensive background and understanding of the intimate interrelations of human biological and psychological systems interactions.
Additionally, the practitioner working with such conditions must have exquisite feeling capacity because the modifications in day to day therapies and activities needed to foster healing are not things you can read about in books, or even learn from someone.
The therapist must become intimately connected to the patients body-mind, immersed as though one with the client’s body-mind so they can read the client’s experiences and sensations as thought they were their own. Then, they must make adjustments accordingly.
That said, Donald Vega has a tremendous opportunity to learn and grow as a therapist through this process and I know if anyone can do this, he can!
CORE VALUES AS RELATIONSHIP FILTERS
SIMPLE METHODS FOR AVOIDING UNNECESSARY PAIN IN RELATIONSHIPS
As you can imagine, I’ve had to do a LOT of relationship coaching in my career.
I found that once I started teaching metabolic typing in 1989, I had problems arising with my clients who needed to change their diets, yet met tremendous resistance from family members, often resulting in them giving up on the changes they needed to heal.
The stress from the family hurt worse than the symptoms they were seeing me for!
I’ve also had many situations where women were seeing me to improve their body shape and as they began to make progress, looking and feeling better, their spouse or boyfriend began being very negative toward them, often sabotaging their training.
Probably the most common monkey wrench men throw at women making progress with their trainers (particularly when the trainer is male) is accusing them of having an affair with the trainer!
To help circumvent such unnecessary stress arising from insecurity, I’ve had to coach many women as to how to handle such situations in a healthy way.
As most of you know, I seek to find out a client’s dream or motive up front so I know weather or not they have realistic motivations or not.
Most frequently, I find that women seeking body shape changes come under the negative motivator of partners pressuring them to become more physically attractive; usually because the sex life has diminished!and it’s her fault because she’s got a fat ass, or something along those lines!
I’ve found that when someone comes to make changes for someone else, the changes rarely ever stick because to make changes in response to a threat is to lose one’s sense of self-power, self-will, and results in a loss of self-esteem.
When I help the client find a motive (dream) specifically their own, I see long term results far more commonly.
When the partner finds out that they are making the changes for their own reasons (not because of the manipulation being imposed upon them), the insecure male (or same sex partner) typically reacts very negatively.
This exemplifies the need for control over their partner. This has nothing to do with “love” and everything to do with a personal drama of their own.
But, that doesn’t make things easier!
The result, as I’ve seen a number of times, is that the woman with a clearly defined dream, process, and outcome goals (I teach how to set process and outcome goals effectively in PPS Lesson 3: Goal Setting), she comes to the realization that she’s no longer compatible with a suppressive partner!and moves on.
This is usually spiritual growth, transformation and medicine for the soul.
LIFE IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!
In my program titled The 1-2-3-4 For Overcoming Addiction, Obesity and Disease, I created a workbook that includes being clear on what your personal values are.
The value system I use is based on the psychophysical theme of the chakra system, the basic themes of which are (in chakra order):
7. Values around what you believe to be the source of life.
6. Values around open-mindedness.
5. Values around creating and communicating (what you want in life)
4. Values around giving and receiving love.
3. Values around what your contribution to self and other will be now, and in you life as a general theme. How you choose to use your power of choice and your will power. (NOTE: Choice is what exists between the past and the future!)
2. Values around sex identity (what does it mean to you to be a man or a woman), sexuality (how you prefer to use your sexual energy), and rhythm and flow (how you optimal day unfolds).
1. Values around safety and security in your life.
After having counseled thousands of people in my career, I can assure you that most relationship challenges would not occur if people were more clear on their values before entering into personal, professional or spiritual relationships.
Most people enter into relationships because:
A. They are attracted to another’s physical beauty
B. They unconsciously find their mother or father figure they seek from imbalanced childhood experiences with their own parents; or they unconsciously want a relationship with the parent figure that most nourished them and made them feel safe as a child.
C. They are desperate for company and don’t realize you can’t every truly come to know another until you know yourself! They usually seek self-fulfillment through the other.
This creates both a dangerous codependency on the other person to make you feel safe and valued, which is essentially each individual own responsibility.
D. They are incomplete in experiencing their own childhood and want to be taken care of.
This results, very frequently, in their partner (who may have a rescuer complex) getting fatigued of having a child instead of an adult for a partner. Eventually, they become exhausted of running a day-care center and move on!
There are certainly more examples, but these are the most common I see.
All such unnecessary relationship strife can usually be largely avoided by being clear on your own personal values, which express your individual needs.
MOTIVATIONAL INTERVIEWING
Once you are clear on your values, you can begin looking for a safe partner by being in the places where people are that share similar values.
For example, if organic, wholefood eating is an essential core value for you, it would be wise to open your heart to meeting potential partners where you shop for such foods, or in places that serve such foods; people with the same general values are likely to be there too!
If keeping physically active and having a healthy, vibrant body-mind is a core value for you, it would be logical to frequent places where people of like-mind will be.
Maybe that is in a gym. Maybe it’s a running, cycling or triathlon club.
Once you meet someone you find natural affinity with, begin by listening carefully for what is important to them.
Next, it is wise to ask intelligent questions. For example, “John, what makes you feel safe and secure in your life?” “Wow Mary, I’ve never thought about that!”!
Now Mary knows that she’s going to enter into a relationship with a man that probably only explores his safety and security values when he’s in pain and has no other option!
If John responds “I feel safe when I have a million dollars in the bank”, Mary could easily ask, “Do you feel safe now?”
The answer may be very important to Mary if she also feels a million dollars in the bank creates safety and security.
If Mary is wise enough to know that money doesn’t by love, OR SAFETY AND SECURITY, she may ask, “John, how would you feel and what would you do if you lost all your money?”
As I suspect you can surmise on your own, John’s answer could be the most predictive of a future in an intimate relationship with him.
Through successive interactions together, Mary can find out everything she needs to know to determine whether she should just enjoy his body and some good sex, and keep it at that, or become more involved in a long term relationship.
She may not even want to risk the entanglement of a sexual relationship because it may create glue that is hard for her to break away from, particularly if she’s got a potential for sex addiction (For more essential information on that topic, visit my audio titled: “There’s only two kinds of sex, which are you having?”)
It is important for all of us to remember that in every relationship, we have a 50/50 deal going.
Each of us is 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship. If you only know yourself with 80% confidence, then the other can never truly know who they are in relationship with, which often results in some unplanned, potentially painful experiences.
Additionally, If you only know yourself at the 80% confidence level, the there is 20% of your 50% missing.
This means that your partner is also missing at least 20% of the person they think they are relating to, resulting in a 40% deficit in the relationship!
Someone who knows themselves is typically much more relaxed within themselves, which is an essential quality from which intuition emerges.
If one’s intuition is functional, they can usually “feel” when someone is inauthentic in their presentation of themselves. They know that intimacy may come with some boobie-traps!
If they enter into the relationship anyway, at least they know what kind of ride they may be in for. If it’s just for sport-sex, and they will simply move on when it gets challenging, they may be fine.
But, doing so also creates a risk of losing the staying power to work through challenges, which ultimately stunts spiritual growth.
It is far better to be clear as to what you want in life from the beginning and seek relationships that are likely to offer long-term growth.
That said, there are always surprises along the way; I’m sure you’ve bit into a beautiful apple and found a worm before!
Enjoy your day and your relationships!
Love and chi,
Paul Chek
