Happy Day to You!
It’s a beautiful day here in Vista (San Diego).
I started my day with a nice cold shower to pull me out of dream-state and naturally invigorate my body-mind; I do this every day and the colder the water, the better it works!
When I was drinking espresso regularly, I found that after a cold shower, the same dose of espresso that “got me going” was too strong and left me over-wound.
I loved realizing that cold water could activate the sympathetic nervous system so effectively and that it could be used to reduce dependence on stimulants.
I used the technique to remove the espresso from my living plan for periods when I felt it necessary to maintain internal balance. You can get cold water anywhere, but believe me, you can’t get a good espresso everywhere.
The sun was shining on me for my morning tai-chi.
As I enter my morning practice, I can always tell how fatigued I am by how much chi comes off my hands as I pass them along my body. If my life-force energy is low, I do my practice until my aura is full.
That way, I know for sure I have some authentic energy to share with others throughout the day and that I won’t go into a deficit when sharing life with others.
I got into the gym for a lovely lunging and wood-chopping workout yesterday.
I’ve found that as I’ve aged, I need shorter, more intense training sessions followed by more rest. These help restore my androgen levels and I leave the gym feeling like a young man again.
These sorts of practices have been essential to my ability to carry the workload that comes with running an institute and dealing with a myriad of people and their challenges day in and day out.
A LITTLE ABOUT SEX!
There are as many viewpoints about all aspects of sex as there are people who have opinions about it. And that is the first tip I’d like to share today.
We all have unique individual sexual needs and desires. It is natural for human beings to think that others share the same sexual views because they took their pants off with you.
If you want to avoid unnecessary sexual entanglement, it is a very good idea to be clear as to what sex means to you (both in the moment and after).
That way, you know how to ask your potential partner what sex means to them (both in the moment and after).
This is a greater issue between heterosexual people than same-sex interactions because there is more polarity differential between opposite sexes; with that comes an equal value and perceptual differential.
Men often want a good shag, and women often want a good partner; he is often having fun, and she is often interviewing him with the future in mind; he is often seeking the pleasure fulfillment of his lust, and she is more often seeking (reliable) love.
If he performs well in bed, she often desires to continue the interview process; if she is good in bed, he often desires to continue playing with her.
If they are both good in bed but unclear as to the motives and desires attached to the sex act, chances are good they will both be potentially blinded by the potency of sexual bliss, which enhances the shadow-nature of both of them.
I’ve talked about many of the inherent issues that lead to such challenges in my audio program titled There Are Only Two Kinds Of Sex, Which Are You Having? (go to www.ppssuccess and look in products, audios)
In his book, Taoist Secrets Of Love Cultivating Male Sexual Energy, Mantak Chia and Michael Winm say of the male (p.43):
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For many American men, sexuality actually remains on an infantile level. It is often nor more than an extension of feeding.
It is an attempt to take in love from outside themselves and childishly demand the certainty of continual gratification.
This leads necessarily to the jealous dependency that plays havoc with so many relationships.
People spend years watching to see if they are loved. In this way they annihilate even the possibility of what they seek.
This type of destructive sexuality is a constant looking outside oneself for assurances.
This insecurity can generate negative emotions we are often unconscious of, such as jealousy and guilt, as well as acts that consciously violate our own integrity, such as adultery.
One ceases to live in the present moment, creation stops, and life becomes slavish rehearsals of lust broken by long periods of boredom.
These are words from the wise.
The female, on the other hand, often seeks to gain the safety and security she consciously or unconsciously didn’t get from her relationship with her father.
If she has a healthy loving relationship with her father, she is often seeking a mate that meets her ideal of a man, which comes first and foremost with her experience of her father.
If she had no father, she is usually confused as to what a man actually represents and has usually got poor skills at reading men, often trusting them the way she trusts her mother or women in general.
I often tell people asking me questions about sex and partnership in the beginning of a budding or potential relationship that the best thing you can do if you are actually interested in a lasting relationship with someone is go spend a few days with your proposed partner’s parents.
There, you will meet your partners “programmers” and will have ample opportunity to see what kinds of challenges in relationship you will face sooner or later!
If lust is the driving force, it is unlikely that that visit will ever take place.
If love is the driving force, then out of your own honest needs for self-preservation, you will want to see if this relationship is a mountain you want to climb!
If you don’t believe me, then simply ask yourself this question: “If I’d met my partner’s parents in the beginning of my relationship and witnessed the interactions between them and my partner, would I have been more cautious?”
Speaking of commitment in marriage, the same authors state (p.45):
“The highest commitment a Taoist can make is to the marriage of yin and yang in the universe.”
This means that a truly healthy sexual relationship helps us reconcile the opposites within us. One of the most challenging aspects of sexual connection for men is that they are often afraid (particularly in the western culture) to become effeminate.
In our culture, it is a sign of weakness to display such qualities.
Most men are so indoctrinated in the belief that they must be tough, strong, powerful, etc., that their male influences have left them insecure about expressing their feminine qualities, even with a woman in private.
They are often thinking, what if she tells someone (that I purr like a pussy cat!).
Because of this male-dominant behavior, the immature man tends to handle a woman’s sweet-spots the way he handles a power tool; if she likes feeling like a construction site, it may work out.
The man can’t ever learn to truly pleasure a woman until he learns to become a woman. That’s a very scary proposition for most western males.
When women end up meeting too many tool-guys, their desire for same-sex intimacy can rise to the point that they give up on men and seek a partner that is more interested in truly pleasuring them than banging nails and getting the job done!
A woman on the other hand, often suppresses her masculinity in acts of sexual intimacy. Men are often very deluded as to the amount of primal power that lurks within a healthy female. She isn’t when she knows it’s there.
Just as a man is afraid to be found effeminate, she is often afraid that she will scare him away; she inherently knows of the fragility of the make ego.
If she unleashes her sexual energy and he’s not strong enough for it, is too judgmental, or she crosses the boundaries of his ideas of male dominance, she too stands to be ridiculed.
She may be labeled a slut, a whore, or leave him in fear that he will never be able to meet her needs (if he thinks he can’t!).
If there is a shadow-desire to control her man, she will adjust her sexual expression to just what she thinks will keep him leashed; this leads to expecting a man to be “kept”, which again, is only showing her ignorance to the actual nature of the male spirit.
A woman often holds back orgasm. She may do so because she herself isn’t sure of what may happen.
This often stems from religious upbringing that included concepts such as guilt and shame for self-pleasuring.
If she truly knows what lives inside her (orgasm), she will also be more clear as to what kind of man it will take to embrace it in union.
The females may also be holding back orgasm until they feel the man they are with is a keeper; it is as though they don’t want to share such treasure with someone they don’t trust.
This often indicates they don’t trust their sense of judgment that led to the interaction or that sex is occurring before they had a chance to get to know the male.
Another common cause of withholding orgasm in the female is that she inherently knows how powerful the pleasure of orgasm is as an influence on her psyche.
If she lets the cat out of the box with the wrong male, she may feel that she could become addicted to sex with him and loose her sense of rationality, of control over herself.
If you look carefully at the issues discussed so far, you will find one underlying theme among them.
Those that don’t know themselves can’t trust themselves and therefore, usually can’t trust any other to any greater degree.
The chief underlying theme of sex as a spiritual practice is sharing yourself in union with another. You have to know who you are before you can loose your “self” spiritually.
Those that don’t know how to express their own love and creativity naturally, or are afraid to, can easily become addicted to another that allows moments of sexual bliss to occur.
There is a lot of freedom created when the programmed mind breaks it’s own rules; during which sex becomes an authentic act of rebellion.
The problem is that rebels inherently “rebel”, and the chances of getting deeper into sexual intimacy, into spiritual intimacy distances itself because the length of the journey needed to reach spiritual union through sexual practices is too long for the rebel.
They are conditioned to gorilla warfare, which equates to gorilla sex-fare.
In my lifetime, I’ve had a wide variety of sexual experiences.
Each of them has taught me something, primarily because I like to learn and don’t like to repeat unpleasurable experiences sexually, nor in relationships.
My first marriage of seventeen years was monogamous until the last couple years when we both began to wonder in search of the love and support we couldn’t seem to find with each other.
The pain of what we went through together helped me get crystal clear that if I were to every marry again, I’d have to be sure that I was honest about who I am and what my sexual needs are so I didn’t have to experience groundhog day.
I spent several years exploring sexual intimacy with women. I found several that I could have amazing sex with, but couldn’t find many that I was compatible with the rest of the day!
It was as though the universe was giving me a tutorial on all aspects of the underlying motives a woman has that one can become blind to when they hang their glasses on their dick instead of their nose.
I found that no degree of sexual intimacy or joy could replace love in a relationship and that much of what we are doing with sex is but a form of petting, exploring, or even “avoiding”.
When there is love with sexual intimacy, the sex becomes a form of healing and healthy bonding that helps us get through the rigors of life, our relationships, and can beautifully stimulate creativity and growth in us.
Though being honest about what your needs or expectations are in any budding (potentially sexual) relationship is very important, I’ve learned that no matter what you say to a sex partner in preface, there is no guarantee of authenticity because of all the compounding factors that lead people to say “yes” to sex.
When you have been honest as to what kind of relationship you are open to sexually, and the other person acknowledges that but then behaves counter-current to that, you at least have the inner-peace of knowing that you were honest.
This is very important because it allows you the strength to separate yourself from a person that is showing you what kind of challenges come packaged in a future relationship with them if their actions are clearly not within your core-value set.
Even when both people are honest, and do have harmony in core values, challenges are an inherent part of growth.
If you have a healthy relationship with yourself and are not depending on the other(s) to take responsibility for your feeling loved, then sex doesn’t become a limiting factor in the growth equation. As soon as sex becomes a bargaining tool, it becomes ugly.
When one reaches the point in their own spiritual evolution where they are willing to take responsibility for the choices they make, then they are clear as to their sexual intentions.
From that position, one can also be clear as to whether the relationship should continue sexually, as a friend, or at all.
Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give another is to release them so they can learn to meet their own needs.
In this process, such a person has every chance to truly come to know themselves, even if it comes by many failed attempts and ultimately leads to their realizing that there is a pattern emerging.
Then they can become more aware and get help if needed.
I have been blessed in my life to have and have had partners that I can enjoy unbound sex as play and spiritual growth and development with.
There is nothing more amazing and rewarding than true intimate friendship in life, with or without the sex.
When true friendship is in place, so too is honesty.
When friendship and honesty are in place, you have two major components of Love before you.
The experiences you can have in sexual union with a person that truly cares for you and loves you enough to let your woman or man (or both) free to become the other, or reconcile both and experience nirvana are as indescribable as God.
Wishing you a day of reflection. My advice is to be patient, be clear, be honest be fair, be aware, and don’t sweat the small stuff when it comes to your love relationships.
Love and chi,
Paul Chek
